Three years ago, I made the biggest choice of my entire existence: life or death. I had been battling severe depression for the good part of a year and it was time to make a choice. There were two options then and there are two options always.
1) Life. Choosing to continue. Choosing to do life even if I hated it. Choosing to get up and go to school even if it was the last thing I wanted to do. Choosing to drive to cheer practice even when all I wanted to do was lay in bed. Choosing to do my homework even if I didn’t care if I failed. Choosing to go out to eat with friends even if staying in bed all day was what I wanted. Choosing the healthy things in life even if I couldn’t make myself care. Choosing the things that used to make me happy even when they didn’t anymore.
2) Death.
I chose option number 1. Even when option 2 seemed easier. Even when it was the last thing I wanted to do. Even when I couldn’t have cared any less, I chose option 1. And for that decision, I am eternally grateful. Not only grateful for the simple fact that I am still alive but also for what it taught me.
I learned that you HAVE to want to change for yourself. One day I woke up and decided not only did I want to be alive, but I also wanted to live. So, I started doing things that would make me feel alive again. I made new friends that I couldn’t help but laugh with. I chose classes with teachers I knew I would love. I challenged myself in cheer in a way I hadn’t in years. I ended a relationship that was no longer happy or healthy. I danced to songs I loved with people I loved even more. I got a job where I could play with kids for hours a day. I watched sunsets. I drove down the interstate screaming songs with my friends. I made decisions that pointed me in the direction of happiness even when I couldn’t feel it.
At first, I had to force every smile, every interaction, and every choice but with time it gets easier. Way easier. The smiles become real. The friends become best friends. The classes become enjoyable. Dancing is no longer forced but free-flowing out of REAL joy. Work feels more like fun. Life becomes good again.
I’m telling you all this to say: I still struggle with depression. I still have days where I don’t want to get out of bed or talk to anyone. I have days where the smile is a little (or a lot) more forced than others. Today is one of those days. BUT I chose to get up. I chose to go to ministry. I chose to laugh and tell stories with friends. I chose to sit down, confront my emotions, and write this blog. I’m choosing to not only be alive but to live.
So, here’s my challenge for you: Decide who you want to be in six months and make every choice based on that. Do you want to be fit? Choose to work out each day even if you don’t want to. Do you want to have a better relationship with God? Choose into your quiet time each morning and then talk with others about it. Do you want a good group of friends? Seek out the people in your life that lift you up and stick to them like glue. Do you just want to be happy again? Choose to do the things that used to make you smile even if they don’t right now.
Start today. Think about who you want to be six months from now because you’ll get there. And always, always choose life over death. Because you’ll be happy you did. I promise.
all my love,
sarah hicks <3
Thank you Jesus that you chose option one because what a JOY & BLESSING it is to know you, Sarah Hicks. This vulnerability is bold and inviting. Thanks for sharing your heart with the world, you allow a space for other people to choose life too. I love you a lot.
Are you my real twin? Sometimes I think so. Keep choosing life and know that you are soooo loved!!
What a beautiful message and a gift to those who are struggling. I love you and miss you, but I am super proud of you and your sense of compassion and adventure. You are awesome! Now, I have figure out where and who I want to be in six months!
– Dad
You are such an amazing woman, Sarah Hicks! Thank you for your inspiration. Just what I needed today. I love you!
-Aunt Suzie
Hey Sarah!
Thanks for sharing! We are praying for you!
Love,
Uncle John & Aunt Debbie
Sarah, thank you so much for sharing this… so very much needs to be heard! I am thankful you chose life, and that you have continued to choose life each and every day! I really loved when you said “not only did I want to be alive, but I wanted to live”…. so so good!! Love you and your heart and your transparency! To God be the glory, forever and always!!
xoxo
Sarah, It takes great courage to face these feelings of depression, which for many live a life of darkness and unfortunately never recover because they believe they are alone and that no one will understand. The fact is that you have never been alone ever in your lifetime because God has always been by your side. God’s plan is for you to live because you are gifted in such a special way to teach children and others about the Gospel and also to share your testimony, which can help so many teenagers struggling with depression and the thoughts of suicide. Now, not only do you have a God and family who love you, but now you have several sisters and brothers in Christ, which makes up your Squad E family. You all are so blessed to have found one another and the plans that God has for each of you is never ending, so I guess you will be enjoying life much longer than anticipated.
To be quite honest, if I had a dollar for every time I considered running into a tree while driving, I would be rich, but then I realized, who’s burden would I be if I didn’t die? The emotional part of my life is not something I share with my kids or many people for that matter, but when I say I understand what you are going through, I really do. Since I have had children, they have kept me wanting to live and if it weren’t for my three amazing sons, I am not sure what my life would have been like. The one important thing that has helped me overcome all obstacles in my life has been to always have faith. It’s amazing what just a little faith can do to show God that you need him. We all have good days and bad days and obstacles to overcome, but with your faith and God’s grace, we all can overcome anything. To all of you young people, please don’t ever stop being who God created each of you to be. May God continue to be with you personally Sarah as well as your entire squad E family and bless you all in a way that will be a gift to someone you cross paths on your journey.
Finally, there are a couple songs out there that are my “go to” choices when I need God to be sitting in my car with me to reassure me. First is The Blessing, which I play and cry out to God and the other song reminds me that God is always with me and it’s called Way Maker. Just know he never stops working in our lives.
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
The other JP