Three years ago, I made the biggest choice of my entire existence: life or death. I had been battling severe depression for the good part of a year and it was time to make a choice. There were two options then and there are two options always.

1) Life. Choosing to continue. Choosing to do life even if I hated it. Choosing to get up and go to school even if it was the last thing I wanted to do. Choosing to drive to cheer practice even when all I wanted to do was lay in bed. Choosing to do my homework even if I didn’t care if I failed. Choosing to go out to eat with friends even if staying in bed all day was what I wanted. Choosing the healthy things in life even if I couldn’t make myself care. Choosing the things that used to make me happy even when they didn’t anymore.

2) Death. 

I chose option number 1. Even when option 2 seemed easier. Even when it was the last thing I wanted to do. Even when I couldn’t have cared any less, I chose option 1. And for that decision, I am eternally grateful. Not only grateful for the simple fact that I am still alive but also for what it taught me. 

I learned that you HAVE to want to change for yourself. One day I woke up and decided not only did I want to be alive, but I also wanted to live. So, I started doing things that would make me feel alive again. I made new friends that I couldn’t help but laugh with. I chose classes with teachers I knew I would love. I challenged myself in cheer in a way I hadn’t in years. I ended a relationship that was no longer happy or healthy. I danced to songs I loved with people I loved even more. I got a job where I could play with kids for hours a day. I watched sunsets. I drove down the interstate screaming songs with my friends. I made decisions that pointed me in the direction of happiness even when I couldn’t feel it. 

At first, I had to force every smile, every interaction, and every choice but with time it gets easier. Way easier. The smiles become real. The friends become best friends. The classes become enjoyable. Dancing is no longer forced but free-flowing out of REAL joy. Work feels more like fun. Life becomes good again.

I’m telling you all this to say: I still struggle with depression. I still have days where I don’t want to get out of bed or talk to anyone. I have days where the smile is a little (or a lot) more forced than others. Today is one of those days. BUT I chose to get up. I chose to go to ministry. I chose to laugh and tell stories with friends. I chose to sit down, confront my emotions, and write this blog. I’m choosing to not only be alive but to live. 

So, here’s my challenge for you: Decide who you want to be in six months and make every choice based on that. Do you want to be fit? Choose to work out each day even if you don’t want to. Do you want to have a better relationship with God? Choose into your quiet time each morning and then talk with others about it. Do you want a good group of friends? Seek out the people in your life that lift you up and stick to them like glue. Do you just want to be happy again? Choose to do the things that used to make you smile even if they don’t right now. 

Start today. Think about who you want to be six months from now because you’ll get there. And always, always choose life over death. Because you’ll be happy you did. I promise. 

all my love,

sarah hicks <3